LOTR INSANITY
by blackfire93
Summary: This is a one-shot where Middle Earth gets visited by me and is never the same as is shown in the one-shot, also I get a peek of Shesshomaru in one of his UN-guarded moments which I then pay for interrupting with my life. ENJOY THE INSANITY!


**ONESHOT**

**WARNING: THIS ONESHOT IS ****NOT**** A MARY-SUE, THIS IS INTENDED ONLY TO BRING LAUGHTER TO THE WORLD OF LOTR AND YOU WHO READ THIS, THIS WAS WRITTEN AFTER MUCH COFFEE AND SEVERAL PIECES OF PENUT BUTTER FUDGE SO ENJOY THE INSANITY! JUST FOR CLARIFICATION ABOUT MY OC CHARACTER:**_She has six tattoos, one on her neck __R.R.R__ means reputation, respect, revenge, #2 is a full back tattoo the background is black, guns and knives forming a skull and crossbones in silver and underneath that in dripping crimson letters is the words kill or be killed in__jap __**殺すか殺される **__#3is the words SEMPER FIDELIS ET PARATUS tattooed on her right shoulder, #4 a sapphire blue butterfly outlined by black with silver design and the words Forever remembered, on the left wing and the words Eternally loved on the right wing on her stomach right over her heart #5 is a yin-yang symbol right in the center of her collarbone with kanji for the four elements written at the four points on a compass around the yin yang symbol, #6 is a golden dragon with crimson eyes wrapped around her left bicep with its head facing straight out of the shoulder._

**ALSO IF THE JAPENESE IS WRONG I APOLOGIZE I GOT THE TRANSLATION FROM THE INTERNET. ANYWAY ONWARD AND PLEASE ENJOY THIS ONESHOT WHICH WILL CONTINUE RIGHT AFTER I PULL MY FINGERS AWAY …**

"NO!" I screeched out in disbelief as I realized that my bottle of Jack Daniels was empty, "Why?" I sobbed a tear trickling down my cheek as I bemoaned my now lonesome fate. I knelt down and dug a small hole in the ground. "Jack Daniels I will always remember you. My faithful companion, you were loyal, a great listener and you always knew when to shut me up. Go in peace." I said sadly as I placed the empty bottle into the shallow grave. As I rose from the grave of my dearly departed I realized I wasn't alone. Looking around I saw 9 men altogether, four looked only maybe three feet tall, one looked about four foot with a red beard almost as long as he was, and the other four looked at least six feet tall. One of the tall guys was old like grandfather old with a long white beard, and the other three, "Sweet merciful heavens." I said breathily as I checked out the three extremely handsome men. "Jack you didn't go in vain." I whispered to my freshly buried friend.

"Excuse me miss, are you alright we heard a scream coming from this area. " The older man said his voice rough but gentle. I smiled at the older man, "I'm fine, well not as fine as those three are, well really I guess the term you would use is hot not fine, people don't use fine anymore. Well some people do but most people don't." The short man with the long red beard snickered then said, "I think this lass has been alone a little too long." I quickly positioned my face right in front of his and made my face blank, "And why do you think that red-beard?" Then my natural tendency to ramble made another appearance and I titled my head study the short red headed and bearded guy, "Red-beard the pirate, I wonder if he was handsome or ugly? Oh and who his parents were. Do you think his parents were pirates and that's why he decided to become a pirate? He might have been a she you know although a woman with a huge beard is slightly hard to find. Okay extremely hard to find, kind of like a needle in a haystack although I have no idea why someone would actually want to put a needle in a haystack. Do you know red-beard? Can I call you red-beard. He was an extremely fierce pirate by the way just so you know I'm totally not dissing you in anyway." I finished with a smile while bouncing on my heels feeling extremely energetic. My attention was diverted by a whiff of something that smelt like a buzzards behind that was marinated in skunk juice, then thrown into a public restroom before being tossed into the desert and melted in the hot sun. "Can't… breathe….need…oxygen!" I grimaced while holding my nose and slightly gagging at the smell. Then I realized the breeze was coming from the group of ugly dead blue and green things that I had killed accidentally by squashing their heads into the ground when I fell out of the sky onto them during my arrival to this strange new world…place…thingy… I looked around the small clearing again slightly bored since no one else was talking now however I could practically feel their confusion, hostility and curiosity rolling off of them in waves and after eyeballing there clothes, I looked down at my clothes. I was wearing black skinny jeans a crimson tank-top with a black leather jacket over it, a black dog collar that had a silver cross hanging down from the center and black steel toed combat boots, not to mention the dyed hair colors and tattoos plus six ear piercings in my left ear and four in my right. "Don't worry I don't blame you for totally digging my outfit and over all appearance it is fully awesome!" I chirruped with a smile.

All of the sudden there was this loud crash of thunder and a purple and lime green time vortex worm hole opened up and sucked me back up into it closing me off from those three sexy looking guys. My shoulders slumped and I pouted about the loss of my eye candy before taking a glance around only to realize that I was face to face with a very hot male that was pointing a bow straight at my face. "Wait before you kill me at least let me kiss you!" I demanded as I shoved his bow out of my face and proceeded to kiss the ever-loving mind out of him. "Mmm you taste like peaches and caramel." I happily told the guy as I pulled back before deciding to look around since he seemed to be in a huge state of shock, I turned around and to my surprise came face to face with the guys I had met earlier minus the tall guy with the white beard. "My EYE CANDY HAS FOUND ME!" I shrieked happily as I cartwheeled into the center of the group. "Now before you three disappear on me again here's a kiss for you…a kiss for you… and a kiss for hey what are you…WOW! You sure have skills." I said as I pulled back from the tall blonde that had managed to wake up from his shock and had decided to turn the tables on me. "My names Haldir and what is yours?" The man said I smiled and was just about to tell him when a hot pink time vortex came out of no-where and sucked me into it like a giant vacuum, before dropping me however when it dropped me it felt like I was moving up instead of down and when I finally popped out I was in a large clearing with a tall guy that had long white hair, magenta eye liner two swords and was missing an arm he was stripped down to just his pants and he was swiveling his hips belting out, "I'm sexy and I know it!" I reached up to cover my nose as it begin to bleed my eyes bulging out of my head and drool running down my chin before I finally regained my ability to talk. "YES YOU ARE!" I stated back before charging him like a buffalo charging a lion, the last thing I saw was a bright green light…..so sad….oh wait there's an evil feeling green looking light, "Where does that go?"… "In the dark of the night evil will find her…." "This PARTY TOTALLY ROCKS!" I screamed happily before jumping in the course line… and so my life goes on…completely normal and totally boring as always the memories of my eye candy all but forgotten….

**MEANWHILE SOMEWHERE IN MIDDLE EARTH:**

**The large army of orcs glared at the humans and elves that were glaring at them, everything was silent before the orc leader rose his arm and gave the order. The elves and humans tensed as the first five lines of the orcs moved forward, the orcs stood in a straight line two hundred across five deep everything stood still for a moment then the orcs put their hands on their hips and began to swing them from side to side as the leader opened his mouth, (GO TO watch?v=9rVa7g7sby0 )  
**

**Gimli growled at the elves and humans, "Well are we not going to answer them?!" He demanded before he jumped up on the box that Legolas had so graciously provided for him before nodding to one of the elf generals who nodded back before turning to the elves and humans that had formed their own line then Gimli opened his mouth, (GO TO watch?v=pFZZmKH9KIM )  
**

**And so my brief visit left a lasting impression on Middle Earth.**

**P.S. You have to add Yuo tbue infront of the the watch? hope it made you laugh!**


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